What the hell, Game of Thrones?

Last season, if I decided to do recaps and then got super busy and fell behind a week, it wouldn’t have mattered all that much, because the episodes were dragging on fairly slowly, in the interest of stretching out the plot points from the book for the season. But now that we’ve gone off book, apparently my busy schedule means nothing to you. And after all we’ve been through together. It’s like I don’t even know you anymore.

::pulls self together, wipes eyes::

Okay, it’s catch up time. I was going to compress episode three and four into one recap, because episode 4 was WAYYY more happening than episode three, but then I started writing this, annnnd got carried away, so here we are. Sorry for the interruption in your terrible recap service.

And with that, it is time to welcome you back to the worst recaps on the Internet. All game, all thrones, all the shouting at the TV.

I love the title of Ep. 3, “Oathbreaker,” because frankly, FINALLY. Too many oaths, people. We were long overdue for some oathbreaking.

The Wall

Jon Snow the Undead has arisen, understandably disconcerted. He looks around, shivering, naked, wildly disoriented, and catches Davos’ eye with an expression that clearly says, “Last time I checked, I died. WTF?”

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Davos: “Okay, son, let’s ease you into this — you were dead, and now you’re not. See how easy that was to grasp?”

Melisandre: (elbowing Davos aside) “Never mind that, I need the full report on the state of the afterlife! Metaphysics status update: and — go!”

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Jon: ::blinks slowly:: ::well, more slowly than usual, which is significant somehow::

Actually, I know people complain about Kit Harington being a bit one-note, but I’m enjoying how he’s playing Jon now that he’s back — like he’s just a couple of beats off from everyone else, and the sun is way too bright, and everyone is moving way too fast, and he’s not sure how he feels about all of this, aside from “I shouldn’t be here.”

But he gets a great entrance back out into the courtyard, making everyone uncomfortable. Of course, both Dolorous Edd and Tormund Giantsbane have perfect reasons for knowing that Jon is still Jon, mostly.

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Dolorous Edd: “Your eyes are the same color. Although you’re have a sense of humor now — should I be worried?”

Jon: “Nah. I always had a sense of humor, it’s just inversely proportional to the Byronic glory of my hair.”

Tormund: “Well, you’re obviously not a god. Because I saw your junk, and your junk is seriously junk. Seriously, how do you get through the day with such tiny junk? If my manhood were that small I would—“

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Jon: “Chop it off and feed it to the goats?”

Somewhere At Sea

Gilly is predictably fine with the tossing boat, while Sam is predictably puking his guts out. In between trips to the bucket, there’s a nice moment where he informs Gilly that, no, misogyny isn’t just a North thing, it’s an everywhere thing, which includes Oldtown, to which they are currently headed. So he’s going to drop her off with his mom while he goes off to do man businessy things. Hurggk.

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The Plantsieve

Bran and the Raven are at the Tower of Joy, which is fabulous, because knowledge is everything, and Bran is learning some things. First off, Ned Stark has never been adventurous when it came to either fashion or haircuts. Basically, he found something that worked for him when he was old enough to walk, and just stuck with that.

You may laugh, but it’s terribly efficient.

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Bran watches Ned face off with Ser Arthur Dayne, who is guarding the Tower of Joy where Lyanna is stowed away (BECAUSE SHE’S PREGNANT WITH RHAEGAR TARGARYEN’S CHILD. HIS NAME IS JON.) And in the version Bran always heard, Ned defeated the Sword of the Morning in this epic, awesome battle, which was no mean feat since Dayne was a super swordsman.

But that isn’t quite what happens. The first thing that tips Bran off is, his father’s companions seem to be be getting beaten… all of them…

Also, Dayne is a lot more skilled than Ned….

And then Dayne has Ned pinned, and Ned doesn’t heroically superStark his way through it. One of his men recovers at the last second and stabs Dayne in the back, giving Ned time to throat chop him.

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Which is, let’s be honest, FANTASTIC NEWS.

Not that your dad is less awesome than you thought, Bran. No. That Ned’s version of history is NOT the accurate version you’ve always thought it was. It’s the perfect way to prep the audience members who HAVEN’T figured it out (JON SNOW IS LYANNA AND RHAEGAR’S SON) that the Plantsieve is about to reveal the more honest version of Honest Ned’s past.

And at that moment, Ned hears a scream from the top of the tower (IT’S A WOMAN’S SCREAM. A WOMAN IN LABOR. HAVING A BABY. JON IS ITS NAME.) and rushes up to investigate. Bran wants to go, but the Raven holds him back. “We have a whole season to get through,” he intones wisely. “Patience, Iago.”

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So we leave Ned to discover whatever is up there. (JON. JON IS UP THERE. BABY JON. WITH DYING LYANNA. WHO’S GOING TO MAKE NED PROMISE NOT TO TELL WHO JON REALLY IS, BECAUSE HE’D BE IN DANGER.)

In conclusion: JON SNOW.

On the way to Vaes Dothrak in the land of Repressive Gender Roles

Daenerys gets a scolding for not entombing herself with the Dothraki widows after Khal Drogo died.

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To be honest, this is a little more interesting than it has to be, because for so many of these women, being in a city where no one is trying to rape them or threaten them with giving them to their soldiers to rape, or their horses to rape, or murdering them while raping them, etc., is like finding sanctuary. In the Dothraki culture, after being married to a Khal in a society that applauds rape and enslavement, getting sent to a city where weapons are forbidden and no man can touch you — that’s like Paradise.

But Dany isn’t interested in retiring to Repressed Lady Land. She’s got that stubborn look that usually means things are about to get flamey.

You fools. You haven’t even got nametags. You’ve got no chance. Just...lie down.

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Awkward cocktail hour in Mereen

Tyrion is trying to get Grey Worm and MIssandei to lighten up and enjoy a drinking game with him.

It is not going too well.

Missandei is not amused.

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Varys saves the day with great news: all of Dany’s enemies in the cities she liberated are funding the Sons of the Harpy, for obvious reasons. Missandei is all for wiping them out, as they only understand violence. Tyrion is more interested in diplomacy, because this is why he’s here.

King’s Landing

Huh. Dr. Victor Qyburn has taken over bribing all Varys’ little birds (orphans, street kids), and is expanding his Twitter followers (I know, I know). And there’s Ser Lurch, lurching ominously.

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Then Jamie and Cersei try to crash a council meeting, and get summarily smacked down by Olenna and Kevan. Olenna: “Much as you might want to be, you can’t marry the king, who is your son. Sorry, I know you turn to your family in times of marital needs.”

Cersei: ::sits, folds arms:: “Oh yeah? Well, you have to carry on having the meeting with us here, because you can’t carry me out of here.”

Kevan: “You can’t argue with that, Olenna. They’ve got us cornered.” ::pauses:: “Oh, wait. We’ll just leave.”

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There’s some tug of war involving Pycelle here too… Cersei does not wield the influence she once did, and Jamie even less so.

Braavos

When Arya gets her sight back, she better get that stick from the Waif and break it. Seriously. How many times can you hit this girl? Has she any more ribs left to crack?

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Arya finally badasses her way through one of these fights, and given her vast amount of practice getting beat down while blind, she finally learns how to beat back. So she gets her eyes back. I bet those contacts were getting annoying.

Freaking Ramsay

Lord Umber is before Ramsay, refusing to swear loyalty and reminding Ramsay that he’s not too subtle — no one is buying that “my father was poisoned by his enemies” story, given its timing. We all know you killed him, Ramsay, we’re honestly all just surprised it took you this long. My day in the neighborhood “When will Ramsay off Roose” pool came and went months, ago, Ramsay, would it have killed you to hurry it up a bit?! God. So selfish.

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Let’s just move on.

So we do, by answering the question that many of us have been asking for a while — where the hell is Rickon? Did he just vanish??

Nope. He’s here, with Osha and poor Shaggydog’s head.

Ramsay gives a truly gleeful smile. That’s never a good sign.

The Wall of Creative Gallows Construction

Jon hangs the traitors. Traitor one: “You know, I could have SWORN you were dead a day ago.” Traitor two: “I still have some semblance of humanity. Please tell my mother that.” Alliser Thorne: “I am better than you, even in death. Kiss my black-clad behind.” Olly: “............“

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Jon cuts the rope, which does this interesting pull-the-bench-out thing, which I’ve never seen — I’m used to trapdoors, or the step-off-the-stool sort of thing. This was fascinating craftsmanship.

Also. props to the makeup team. Because I’ve seen a lot of people hanged on TV, and this is one of the few times I’ve seen the people made to look like I imagine people actually look when strangled to death. It’s unnerving as hell.

And then Jon does what we’ve all known HE HAD TO DO BECAUSE HE IS A FREAKING SECRET TARGARYEN AND IS GOING TO BE A MAJOR PLAYER IN THIS THING AND HAS TO LEAVE THE WALL TO DO IT, GAHHH, JUST CAN WE GET THERE ALREADY??? and hands his Cloak of Commanding to Edd. “Now my watch is ended.”

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DAMN STRAIGHT, JON SNOW.

So Jon is having an identity crisis, but he knows one thing — he’s done with the watch.

Let’s all excuse him while he goes to figure out THAT HE’S GOING TO SAVE THE WORLD WITH DANY AND TYRION.